Retreat

Here I am in this little retreat of mine, feeling vexed and irritated. Unhappy, about people. Here I am lamenting because there is nothing much I can do.A woman almost 50, with poor social skills, with a bad mentality and unacceptable character. There she is, a fifty year old bark brought up amongst ill circumstances. Without parents to bring her up on the right track. And now here she is, a helpless soul, rejected by many, hated by some. Even her child do not love her. It wasn't her fault to start with. Nor is it anyone's fault that her parents are but wrecked and uneducated creatures. When such feelings of agony becomes too strong and beyond what ears can accomodate, my words reside here only in this passage. A statement of discredit. An expression of brewing hatred.How far will this go down in the network of ancestory. For even before the day comes when she sees black, here I wish she never existed. Because every moment here strikes me as a form of agony beyond tolerance. Yet in this paradox, thy existence lives upon the fact that she once had me cuddled in her womb for nine months.Will this ever be justified? This is me, thy solemn one, whose soul reeks of her. For the blood that drained through her to me will always run in this physique of mine for as long as I am here.

And there is my fucking map. Lying somewhere in the training ground. Its edges buried with soil, its face clean from the recent rain. The plastic that covers it protects it, and remembers the hands that once touched it and made it the way it is now. Why did I ever decide to lend nicholas my map? Why does marc yoong have to borrow my fucking beloved map. Why platoon sergeat ownself no map? Why put my map on the vehicle when its moving. Why no brains. Why is my fucking map gone. Replacing it is a futile attempt. I may get a new map. But the map that I lost...no marc lost....will still be lying there on the road. Who knows on whose hand it will eventually end up. It won't change a thing. I am so so du lan. Why some people cannot take care of other people's belongings. Is it because it isn't theirs? Haiz. I feel so vexed over such a small issue. Is it the map? No. Its the small issue of someone else losing your stuff. It never feels good.This is me, a peevish stubborn child, who would cleanch his fist in the face of anger. BUt what can I do then to suck my thumb and get myself a new map, swallowing the unhappiness...tat. Damn it.